I was, like I always am, lost in my own ‘lil world, thrilled to just be....walking... uhhh... no, gliding, like I always am, through the lonely roads, yearning for what I can’t have and longing for that remnant of a dream that never was or might never even be... I was happy!
Times were good and I was on my own. The stretch of life in front of me seemed so full of novelties, plans... somehow very busy and self-immersed... I had everything... A past that had lived well, dried and quietly slipped off the tree of time like a yellowing, dried leaf... some fallen on the ground and some others absorbed into the soil like they never were... a family like the few but bright flowers on the shrubs... ever loving and ever forgiving my semi-sanities... friends who seemed like the lush greens surrounding me always ready to give a shoulder during my crazy fits... And a Heart... a heart that had hurt and been hurt... that had cried quietly and loved strongly... that had been burnt more than once and refused to learn... a Heart that was a tad bit lonely and yet I was happy.
And so we walked on... my Heart and I... each step a joy...each twist a lesson... each moment a routine...
While living this routine, I then came to a sharp turn. I couldn’t see beyond or behind... I only had to take the turn. Infact, there was something in me that was prompting me to take the turn... I did. Yes, I did take the turn.
And there I met a bull. A light eyed bull.
He was not trying to attract attention. No. Or atleast it didn’t seem like it. There was something excessively casual about him. To reiterate, excessive AND casual. He sat quietly at the turn and just looked. But looked straight in the eye. Also, there was the smile. Oh, but you had to look real hard coz I didn’t dare look real close, to spot the smile. A smile that oozed confidence, and if you really wanna get into the technicalities, then a smile that also oozed strength. All very casual. Not once did those light coloured eyes blink. He sat there in all that stubborn glory, shoulders ramrod straight, not even a strand of hair out of place, knees slightly bent, the smile and the look... Still all very casual.
Well, let’s be candid here. I stared. I had never seen something like that. I was a gypsy, looked and acted the part too. There was something immensely casual about me. I was all for the mess, the rebellion so obvious in my body language. And ofcourse, the red lispstick helped.
Rebellion prompted and I stared. I thought I saw a hint of disapproval... or was it some sort of grudging appreciation? Did I see a question in that smile or was it the answer to all my questions? Was it the remnant of that dream that I thought might never be? Should I run and hide or should I seek what the smile promised?
And then I saw what I was looking for all of those split seconds or for a lifetime. The horns, ofcourse the horns. They wouldn’t meet the standards set by the naked eye but if one dared a closer scrutiny, like I always did, you couldn’t escape the mighty horns. And there was nothing casual about it.
I could only stand and stare at the million contradictions in him... the eyes looked as straight as crooked was that smile, the shoulders as stubborn as casually he bent his knees, the aura of strength as safe as ominous were the horns. I could only stand, stare and not let the fact escape my mind that my lips were, like they always are, smudged with the colour Red, just like it is when you crush a fresh ripe strawberry, a hint but red indeed.
So there I was dreading where life wanted to lead me, after meeting a bull, while I was wearing red lipstick. He could have charged. He would have if he could have. But he didn’t move, did not even blink. Was that the silence before a storm or was that time to make a run? Scared, I jolted and ran. For life.
And while I rushed through the various lanes, twists and turns of my life, I fell and failed, loved and lost, scarred and healed sometimes.... I laughed too, very little, I smiled at times, and won, once or twice. I took every turn with a little bit of some known-dread and quite a bit of some strange-hope of spotting those horns... I did not meet the bull again...
I was lonely, as I always am, walking through the bylanes of life. Time flew and at times, crawled... I ran along with the good things in life... and gave all my strength to the not-so-good-things in life... there were these moments, very few really, when I let myself yearn for that remnant of my dream, for the casual strength in the promise I had seen, for the intensity in that disapproval, for the grudging appreciation and the million contradictions in that one look... for the horns, surprisingly, the horns.
I guess it was one of those few moments the other day when I took just another turn in life. I had mastered the routine by then. I knew the exact recipe of effort, mood, practice that was required to get me through life so much so that I could go through the episode confidently with closed eyes.... huh!
With all my over-confidence I took the turn and rammed straight into The Bull.
This time he was sitting at no corner, rather standing right in the middle of my life. There was no time to get scared, only room enough to shiver. There was no scope to run this time, and strangely no will.
I moved and so did he, towards each other. I was unsure, like I always am, whether he charged or I did, but it was a life unknown... we walked on together, the Bull and I, each step a novelty, each twist an excitement and every moment a promise.
I am lonely no more.... and yet so happy!!!
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