MY PROBLEM WITH THE OPPOSITE GENDER

I am a hopeless optimist. Every morning when I am kicked out of bed by my roommate, I look at my bed n I think…baby, just 18 hrs to go and I will be on you again! When I embark on my routine journey to defence colony 15-minutes-too-late, I genuinely think that I will make it there on time. I think I will ask my clients all the right questions, give the boss all the right answers, look intellectual once in a while, not be sleepy, I will buy a car this year, I will shake a leg this weekend, I will cook regularly, I will take life seriously… I also think I will one day be at peace with the Opposite Gender.

Well, let’s face it, point by point.

1.       There are too many of them. It is highly impossible to ignore them.

2.       There is the whole issue with hormones and the bigger picture of reproduction.

3.       They are stronger and let’s just agree to qualify that with the word ‘physically’.

4.       They don’t get tanned or wrinkle so easily.

5.       They are not tackling mood swings on a fortnightly basis.

6.       They look kinda cute in the kitchen.

7.       They can handle roti, kapda, makaan issues better.

8.       They can remember the directions well (roads only).

9.       They can take the sense out of humour and still make you roll.

10.   Some of them are just too hot to be commented upon.

But we had established earlier that we are here to talk business, that being my problem with the Opposite Gender, and hence we will subtly ignore the above stated 10 facts of life.

So, in about 26 years of my life I must have directly interacted with 26000 men and about 26 years now I have been trying real hard to decipher the code called the “Male”. They said it wouldn’t be complicated. They said that men are hungry, horny or sleepy. They also said that they are your equals. But I guess evolution ruined them.

They chase you till the finishing point and then they change the track. They find the dumb women dumb and the smarter ones bitches. The hot women are to be ogled and the not-so-hot women are to be married. They take life seriously after 40 and lose sanity at 60.  They secretly enjoy cooking as long as it remains your job. They are sensitive to only cricket. They respect you alright, well, they do put you down in front of one and all very respectfully! When it rains they get croony and touchy, when it pours they play football. They comment on your heels and have a fetish for them at the same time. They always want to know what’s in your handbag and then ask for personal space. They always want to be richer and want you to be younger. They face ‘situations’, mind you, and you only nag. When you’re done with them they want you all the more and when they are done with you, well…. They are never completely done with you.

Hence, I have resigned myself to hopeless optimism; I believe Doomsday is on its way so Adam can go back to being just hungry, horny or sleepy and Eve can make the most of that.