THE MODERN DILEMMA OF A POST MODERN WOMAN

Whenever I sit down with my friends from the same gender, besides having a good time I also learn about life. Like how much and to what extent it sucks. We come together, we rip each other apart, we have our fun and leave. But these others are the sane-practical-working-earning women. So when I say we leave, I mean they leave. They leave and catch a good eight hour sleep so they can repeatedly show the world their mettle. I, on the other hand, work too; but mostly I speak gibberish and throw mood swings. So when I go home I think about the tragic status of our lives, lose sleep over it, shirk work the next day and get depressed. Add to that the recent turning into a full grown 27 year old. You get the drift, right?

No. Don’t run away yet. There IS a REAL problem and I WILL come to IT and it’s NOT exaggerated and it has epidemic outreaches.  It is more painful than menstrual cramps, it is probably rarer than finding a good maid and it definitely takes more efforts than it takes Angelina Jolie to do what she does – finding a boy.

If you are in your late twenties and are engaged any which way to any which one, you are a happy soul, my friend. You will be cherished and nourished for the final kill, you will be trained and readied for life of much known marital bliss. But if you are a soon-to-be-thirty, gear up for the hunt of your life. I give you a mission, time bound, and there is no leave-it option. And you are not psyched if you feel the Cosmos is out to get you. It is.

If you are reminiscent of those teenage dreams of passionate hand holding and whispering of sweet nothings, my advice to you would be take a cold cold shower, woman, and come back to me, smile, and listen well. This is not a dream. This is hardcore business. Get a target, quote a price, rip them apart or negotiate, make a gain and walk victorious when you have and till you do, you must aspire, perspire, mourn, ache, call names, suffer, fall down, push up, pull through, look gracious, small talk, pity talk, reject and dish out or take some random nonsense but YOU CANNOT HIDE. You’re getting old, girl, and the world is watching.

Your primary aim is to catch an unsuspecting target. The suspecting ones will ask too many questions anyway. And make it look effortless. For instance, purposely take off one whole hour for boy finding after a back breaking session at work or a date-gone-wrong. You must prove your might. Do yoga. That will help you tone down. Plus getting into the habit will help with the calm you will need when you lose the deal. Eat salads. Boys dig it these days. Discuss with your folks what kind of tricks to pull. It makes for great conversation. Additionally it will help your parents to vent their frustrations. I am sure they have some. Practice looking shy in front of the mirror. But keep it low key (C’mon now, you’re going to be thirty!).

Learn to laugh and forget taking sides. You don’t have one and you were on the wrong side anyway. Believe in it. Don’t earn too much. You think you deserve the money? Trash the thought. Too bad you worked too hard for it. Take a pay cut if nothing else works. Get used to being subjected to random relative banter taunting you for not having succeeded in your mission. You’re cousin got married last month. Take a hint. The focus is on YOU. How YOU are alone and miserable. Wait, you aren’t miserable? Act, dudette! Do not watch rom coms. They find the boy out of nowhere. But you are a practical woman who reasons, you’re boy won’t be coming from nowhere. You have a type? Change it. Your type does not matter. If you fail, and you will a couple of times to be modest, blame it on destiny. It’s the vaguest argument ever. And destiny can’t talk back. You will be safe. While you are at it, harden up your brain. You will be asked if you wear swimsuits and go for inter-city drives, whether you’re straight and still live with a female friend from college, whether you will contribute your pay cheque to the collective family pay cheque pool amongst other things. Smile. And power through. Some of them are supposed jokes and the rest of them make you an ideal doormat. Don’t try to differentiate between the two.

Learn to ‘settle’. That’s your single most important objective. Focus. And any given minute you feel you might waiver, turn to good old Facebook. Everyday someone is ‘settling’ and there’s visual proof on your news feed. The Cosmos is speaking to you, woman.

And the rest of you who think the above 800 odd words are copious amounts of gibberish, join my guild. You do not belong. Don’t even bother. Your hopes are gigantically imbalanced and you believe in love. For Chrissake, you were asked to grow up!