CONVERSATIONS that never happened !

I can’t stop looking into your eyes. I have tried hiding it, denying it, changing angles but I have never really considered stopping. Call me a romantic or just a goddamn fool. I have looked into your eyes from a distance and afar. But every time I have lost my soul in them, or did you wrench it out of me? What do you do? Do you hypnotize or is it voodoo? Or are we keeping a score card here? You can hold me in one motionless position and a mindless time frame, absolutely purposeless. Be it the earthiness of the iris or the sadistic black of the pupil. It could even be the bland detachment of the rest of the conjunctiva. But I stare at the phenomenon like a helpless juvenile. You comply when you feel like it. I have seen the flecks grow darker and inquisitive but you never ask any questions. You blink and you break the ties.

What did I do? Did I seem detached? Or did you spot the weaknesses even before I welled up? When we first met I thought we could play and trample all over each others’ lives. Then make a quick exit. I could come home to hopelessness and you could have won some shreds of my dreams. But somewhere down the blurred timelines and trivial attractions, we forgot to ask whether we were both playing at the same game. I am still hopeless and I am crying. But even you could not go home jubilant with the pieces of my heart. Judge me, but I stealthily scratched off a cell or two of the person inside you. And if you ever find the time and the will, look closely, a lifetime from now. The marks of my nail might just be there. Hear more closely and you might hear the story I chose not to tell or that you chose to forget.

The should-have-beens took over so smoothly that we forgot to live a life. And when you said you wanted to explore more of you, you could have only looked into my eyes. I don’t know what you were aspiring for but the trophy you won that day is still hidden amongst some unsorted fears and unfulfilled dreams under my bed. If the desire ever overwhelms you, we will hold hands and sneak in on my life. On tiptoes we will look for my soul. We will sit on the floor and giggle and poke each other out of the mundane existence that we chose over love. And then I will look into your eyes again. Pray, don’t blink this time. Don’t break the ties. I may not have the resilience to play again.