(PROMIS)E – ME – (CUITY) !

I have practiced immense amount of restraint to prevent myself from writing what I am about to write now. I will honestly admit that it’s been a challenging task to have come this far. Let me start by saying that if you have missed meeting the biggest daftest most pathetic loser walking the face of this earth, Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, Miss Sneha Pati! About 26 years of age, short, pretty short, seemingly attractive but has a flat foot, dresses kinda ok but sometimes crosses the line but considered sassy and witty by most. But that’s just popular belief. We aren’t here to discuss popular belief! We are here to speak the truth and nothing but the truth. And thou shall listen!

So again, have I told you what a crummy loser I am? Ok, then let’s get down to business. I don’t meet many people in life. Just a handful who catch my attention or the other handful who’s attention I catch, mostly mistakenly. If you see me walking on the road by myself you would think I was looking for a cause and not directions. I probably am. I have a perpetual lost-and-was-never-found aura around me. My steps are uneven and I tend to sway towards the moving traffic, I never ever remember the way home or the way from home to wherever, sometimes I don’t even remember the wherever. No, it’s not Alzheimer’s. I checked.

By the way, still the mammoth loser, yes, Me! So it is this magnetic aura of mine that attracts the opposite gender to me. They see, they kinda like and they talk. This is fine by me. After all I like to believe I am an approachable person, sometimes even friendly if I manage to remember your name or face or …. ummmm… ummm… now who are you again? Oh right, you’re the reader and am the loser!

Post talking they like even more because they think I am different. This is fine by me too. I told you I am phenomenally loser like! I am a rare species amongst the worldly wise! Of course I am different!  And that’s when it begins! The segregation of the normal from the maniacal, of the seemly from the vulgar, of the clean from the filthy and of the ordinary men from the specimen!

And then comes in my share what they call the whole of the lot left in the world of the gigantic titanic herculean assholes who think promiscuity is their birth right and they shall have it! Every time. Always. Are you an asshole? Check. Are you promiscuous? Check. Are you looking for a target? Check. Then I am the prize, dearest The Great Assoholic Jerk Community! You have always felt free to target me and I have every single time proven you right; that You are what You are and the whole freakin world knows it other than the single most monstrous loser, Me again!

You are usually smoothtalkers, Your words are like music to the ears; You also know all the right things to say, always. Mostly charming and witty, You come hither with a girlfriend or a beau very calculatively hidden in the closet and march right upto me because I have ‘LOSER’ (or a certain other hindi word) written on my forehead as well! The hopeless optimist in me waltz into a world of the unreal and the romantic and I glide through the magic spell… woven by my lovely… singing, humming, sweet tunes of a new desire and a new possibility and then…. And then …. Oh ! Oh !... sweet love…………….  

JOLT ! BOLT ! WHAMMY !

The hidden fiancé/beau coughs in the closet and the sound reverberates in my life like a thunderclap and sends me crying to the deepest corner under my bed to lick my wounds. Everytime. Always.

Did I believe Him? Check. Did I do a blunder? Check. Did I do the blunder again? Check. And Thou shall not ask me why! Don’t you remember who’s the loser?

So, the Great Assoholic Jerk Community who just want to have a little fun before they settle for the preeto or sweetu or tuntuni or whoever the fudge You kept hiding inside, consider the understated as an open declaration. I, hereby declare and affirm myself to be the super loser that You are so hell bent on proving me to be and hence spare me the horror of finding out really what nauseating promiscuous layers lie underneath your fudged up heart… oops! sorry bro… u don’t have one!… your insidious brain… and your homeless hobo other thing! And if You still have an element of doubt,

“SNEHA PATI IS A LOSER; STAY AWAY LOW LIVES!”

There, it’s done! And nothing personal! It was great doing business with You but we have separate lives and way too different ways of living it, brother! So I wish You and Your hobo a good life! May You go to places! But Thou shall leave me alone! We will never cross paths again and never remember that we ever did. You will never forget that You are an asshole, nor I, a loser. Tell me we shall forever be happy and never together! You will focus Your perverted brain and hobo on some other beauty; pray tell me You will leave me alone, Do You (Promis)e me, (Cuity)?